Tangihanga: what to bring and what to write
A tangihanga, or tangi, is the Māori custom of mourning and farewelling the dead. If you have been invited, or you want to support a whānau who have lost someone, it helps to understand a little of what happens and what is expected. Customs differ between iwi, hapū and marae, so treat this guide as a respectful starting point, not a rulebook. When in doubt, ask the whānau, a friend who knows the marae, or the funeral director. We have kept to what published sources say, and we have asked for this page to be reviewed by a speaker of te reo Māori.
What happens over the days of a tangi
Te Aka Māori Dictionary explains that most tangihanga are held on marae. The body is brought onto the marae by the whānau of the person who has died and lies in state in an open coffin, for about three days, in a wharemate. A resource from the Ministry of Education also says that most tangihanga today last three days, and longer for prominent people.
Other accounts show the range. Funeral director Francis Tipene told 1News that a tangi is typically "three, four days, sometimes five", and The Spinoff notes that some last more than a week while others are over in a day.
According to Te Aka, a pō mihimihi is held on the night before the burial. Mr Tipene refers to the final night as the pō whakamutunga. On the final day there is a church service, then a takahi whare ritual at the home, and a hākari (feast) concludes the tangihanga.
Koha: the contribution visitors bring
The usual contribution from visitors is koha. The Spinoff describes koha as usually some money in an envelope, presented to the haukainga (the home people) during the whaikōrero, the formal speeches. Mr Tipene describes visitors bringing "a little envelope or a koha of some putea, some money to give to the whānau".
If you are unsure how much to give or how it is presented, ask someone who knows the whānau or the marae. Asking shows respect.
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Are flowers welcome?
Yes. Mr Tipene says visitors generally "take flowers" as well as koha. Flowers are a gesture alongside koha, not a replacement for it.
A few practical points:
- Where to send them: if you are not attending, send flowers to the whānau's home, or ask the funeral director where they should go. Do not assume a florist can deliver onto a marae.
- Food: do not bring food onto the marae unless it has been arranged with the kitchen. As Mr Tipene puts it, "you let the whānau take care of kai".
- Dress: The Spinoff notes that black is usually the default.
Greenery: the traditional sign of mourning
Te Aka records that greenery is the traditional symbol of death, so the women and chief mourners often wear pare kawakawa on their heads. Te Aka defines a pare kawakawa (also called a tauā) as a mourning wreath or chaplet for the head, a garland of greenery worn by women at tangihanga. The Ministry of Education resource adds that kawakawa leaves are hung around the door of the house.
These are worn and placed by the mourners themselves. They are part of tikanga, not something to order from a florist, so we don't suggest sending a kawakawa wreath as a gift. A simple bouquet and a card are the respectful choice for an outsider.
Words for a card
A short message is best. These phrases come from Te Aka Māori Dictionary, the University of Auckland or the Ministry of Education resource, with the meanings they give:
- Kia kaha – be strong, keep going. Often used in sympathy cards.
- Aroha nui – much love, with deep affection.
- Ngā mihi me te aroha nui – love and best wishes.
- Moe mai rā – a farewell to the dead, widely used in death notices and farewells. Te Aka gives moe as "to sleep" and also "to die, dead". The full phrase is not itself a Te Aka headword, so if you are unsure, ask the whānau or a te reo speaker.
- te moe tē whakaarahia – "the sleep of no awakening", a poetic term for death used in the Ministry of Education resource.
If you don't speak te reo, it is perfectly fine to write in English, perhaps signing off with "Aroha nui". What matters most is that the whānau know you are thinking of them.
Burial, urupā and remembering later
According to the 2023 NZ Funeral Industry Trends Report, 55% of Māori were buried in a council burial ground or urupā in 2022, compared with 39% cremated. Burial grounds can carry long histories. Kauae Cemetery at Ngongotahā, for example, was originally a Ngāti Whakaue burial ground before it became a public cemetery in 1924, and part of it is still kept for current Ngāti Whakaue burials. If you would like to visit a grave later, ask the whānau first.
For general funeral customs, see our guide to funeral and sympathy flowers, and for Pacific families, our guide to Samoan, Tongan and Cook Islands funerals.
Ready to send? A local florist makes up and delivers the flowers.
Choose bouquetOrder by 2 pm on weekdays (11 am Saturdays) for same-day delivery in many areas
